With my scientific background Ph. I have been writing and working for Notebookcheck since The mod I made worked mostly and sparked my current, intense interest in software development. A few years later, that interest led me to experiment with all kinds of tech around the house, which has ultimately given me an eye for small, but substantial, problems in devices and software. I'm now writing articles about technology and its nuances for Notebookcheck.

Luca Rocchi Tech Writer My first contact with technology was a Toshiba T that I found at home: from that moment on, it's true love for anything that contains a microprocessor. At the end of my studies I started as an editor at a Swiss online publishing house. My fields of interest include IT components, intelligent systems, notebooks and photography.

When I'm not writing for Notebookcheck, you can probably find me on some mountain trail or photographing Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD) cars.

For more than 20 years now I have also turned my hobby into my profession and have been active in the mobile section of Notebookcheck since Marc Herter Tech Writer From an early age I liked to thoroughly examine all kinds of devices to see how they worked, which also involved taking my own devices apart and therefore not always to the delight of my parents.

With the family PC and Lego Mindstorms, my interested in software and programming took off, and I am currently an engineering program student. I enjoy building all sorts of gadgets with Arduino and 3D printers, and I still like to put electronic devices through their paces. By joining the Notebookcheck editorial team, I have been able to turn my hobby into a profession. Marcus Herbrich Senior Tech Writer I have always been very passionately interested in mobile technologies, especially smartphones.

After posting for Mobi Test I joined Notebookcheck inwhere I have been pursuing my enthusiasm for technology by reviewing the latest smartphone, tablet, and accessory trends.

Marcus Schwarten Senior Tech Writer I have been fascinated by technology for around 25 years — especially technology that makes life easier rather than more complicated. Mobile devices such as laptops, smartphones, tablets, and smartwatches are particularly close to my heart as is the booming subject of smart homes. I have been working in these areas for several years now as a news and reviews editor. I have been active with various websites, including the smart home blogs homee, Nuki, and siio, as well as tech portals such as Giga and TechRadar.

I have been writing news and laptop reviews for Notebookcheck since Marius Schell Tech Writer Even in my youth I was already very enthusiastic about technology, and as a result I started building PCs, optimizing them, and writing programs while I was still in school. When dealing with the inevitable hardware and software problems associated with computers, I was always relentless in my search for the necessary solutions.

The compact forms of laptops and smartphones introduced further challenges in this regard. In my reviews for Notebookcheck I try to communicate as objectively as possible how well a device copes with these hurdles.

Mark Riege Translator Having worked as a programmer for 20 years medical devices, AI, data management systemsI've been following the computer scene for many years and especially enjoy finding out about new technology advances.

Originally from Germany but living in the US, I've been working as a translator more recently, with Notebookcheck allowing me to combine my interest in new devices and translation. Other interests include Buddhism, spending time in Tibetan monasteries, and translating ancient Tibetan texts.

Martin Jungowski Tech Writer My computer affinity first started in 7th grade thanks to my first elective, computer science, and an incredibly dedicated and committed teacher. Ever since, I have been involved in IT in one way or another all the time. As an adult I am more interested in the tidier, compact gaming world of laptops. This was followed by work on various PCs and laptops that I maintained and repaired for friends and acquaintances.

Currently, I pursue my fascination for IT, technology, and mobile devices by writing reviews and articles for Notebookcheck. I have also worked for Gamestar, Netzwelt, and Golem, among others.

Ninh Ngoc Duy Editorial Assistant My main responsibility as an editorial assistant is maintaining the Library section, which aggregates reviews from other publications and channels. In addition, my daily breakfast is Notebookcheck's long list of new content, which I comb through to select the most interesting topics for translation from English to French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and Dutch.

Nino Ricchizzi Tech Writer From childhood on, the curiosity about the functioning of the latest technical achievements continued. Out of this thirst for knowledge followed studies in mathematics and computer science. Nooh Kazi Tech Writer I was introduced to computers at a very young age and was immediately fascinated by them. With the passage of time, I got more chances to dive deeper into the world of computers and mobile technology and as I explored more, my interest grew exponentially.

More than a decade down the road and now I am a Software Engineer and I spend my time writing code, keep myself updated with tech and also write about new developments in technology. Patrick Afschar K. Managing Editor Ultraportable Studied computer science, but never worked in this profession - so I joined the IT press in and remained true to it. My focus is on smartphones and tablets. Privately, my family and my MTB fleet keep me fit.

In the meantime I am studying computer science and besides gambling I have added photography as a hobby. With my Pentax I hunt friends, birds and hovercrafts and process them with pleasure in Lightroom. My enthusiasm for hardware and new technologies brought me to NBC in Half the time, you can catch me writing snarky sales copy.

The rest of the time, I'm either keeping readers abreast with the latest happenings in the mobile tech world or watching football. I worked as both a journo and freelance content writer for a couple of years before joining the Notebookcheck team in Feel free to shoot me some questions on Twitter or Reddit if it so tickles thine fancy. As a freelance writer, I have also written for other print and online media, including contributing to the local press.

Before becoming a journalist, I worked as a trained network technician in the planning and development of corporate networks, among other things, and as a fashion photographer based in Milan. As a former competitive athlete, my passion for technology and science is complemented by a passion for all kinds of outdoor sports.

After graduating college with a degree in Mathematics, I worked in finance and banking a few years before taking a job as a database administrator. I started working with Notebookcheck in October of and have enjoyed writing news and reviews. I've also written for other outlets including UltrabookReview and GeeksWorldWide, focusing on consumer guidance and video gaming. My areas of interest include the business side of technology, retro gaming, Linux, and innovative gadgets. When I'm not writing on electronics or tinkering with a device, I'm either outside with my family, enjoying a decade-old video game, or playing drums or piano.

Sanjiv Sathiah Senior Tech Writer I have been writing about consumer technology over the past ten years, previously with the former MacNN and Electronista, and now Notebookcheck since My first computer was an Apple ][c and this sparked a passion for Apple, but also technology in general.

I was drawn to writing about tech because I love learning about the latest devices and also sharing whatever insights my experience can bring to the site and its readership. While working in the print sector I also contributed to the creation of various loose-leaf publications and published original written pieces.

I have been working for Notebookcheck since Subsequently, I started 12 years of military service, during which I learned a lot about technology and constantly kept my knowledge up to date with the latest developments. As I like to share my knowledge, I found Notebookcheck was a very good opportunity for this.

In addition, I also work a lot with water cooling and network security. Remastered [Deluxe Version]","2","8","","spotify:user:mozza","TZ". Remastered [Deluxe Version]","2","11","","spotify:user:mozza","TZ". Remastered [Deluxe Version]","2","3","","spotify:user:mozza","TZ". Remastered [Deluxe Version]","2","6","","spotify:user:mozza","TZ".

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Version ","1","2","","spotify:user:mozza","TZ". Whoosh fx Have been doing a mischeif to. Now then, about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was whipped out of my office at Broadcasting House. It still hasn't been returned and Robin is getting very tired of looking at the nail in the wall where it used to hang.

Some kind listeners have sent me saucy calendars to replace Miss Gish but most of them were a heck of a lot saucier than Miss Gish ever was. There was one of a strangely big girl and if I'd hung that up on the wall and my boss had seen it, I'd not only have lost my Lillian Gish calendar, I'd have lost my office and my job as well.

You're not going to believe this but, she hadn't even got her vest on. You, you haven't got it with you, have you? That one is under the floor boards at home.

Lieutenant Murray and the pair of you are wanted in Captain Povey's office immediately. This way gentlemen. Now about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was nicked out of my office at Broadcasting House.

I'm not a chap to harp as a rule but there is somebody, somewhere who's gawping at Robin's saucy Lillian Gish calendar, when Robin should be gawping at the delectable Miss Gish in his office. Miss Gish was at all times provocative, but never abandoned. I erm, I tried to cover it with a framed picture of highland cattle but just wasn't the same. Actually, if it would help, I do have a spare Noddy in Bingoland calendar. In fact, come to think of it, nothing is ever going to be quite the same.

Especially for you. What's, what's, what's, what's he talking about? Have been making a right pig's breakfast of. Well now, about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was whipped out of my office at Broadcasting House.

I relied on Miss Gish to keep Robin warm when the central heating packed up. Take it like a chap's chap on a chap's chin. I'm not that curi-uri-urious. Where and who? Have been mine sweeping their way through. Now I do realise that you've all been doing your best to replace the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was pinched out of my office at Broadcasting House, but I still haven't got another one. Besides, the pictures of her for November and December are the sauciest.

I'm a connoisseur. It merely means that when it comes to art I know what I like. And now we've got a fair old idea of what you like as well. Huh, ha, ha. I'll never get any sense out of them now so I may as well leave them to squabble among themselves, and squabble they will because C. Or at least, he will hear about it shortly. Have been belting three foot up in the air through. And Robin is in a right temper now!

Boyle is on the boil alright! And as an announcer of this parish when I start using bad language the rude words will be clear, correctly pronounced and heard by millions all over the world. He's probably still going on about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was pinched out of his office. If anybody tries to pinch anything else out of there I wouldn't give tuppence for Telephone ringing Oh, excuse me.

I see. Right then, who's pinched Rover? I can't mess about here I've got to go dog hunting. But perhaps Captain Povey can help because he's at home and in the dog house as usual. Ramona is not at all pleased with his table manners. Have been floggle-toggling their way through.

Now then, about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that some thieving hound pinched out of my office at Broadcasting House. I don't want to be a bore about it but Why the heck don't you just buy another one? You try going into any stationers and asking for a saucy Lillian Gish calendar and see what sort of an answer you get.

You could always try Mr Phillips, of course. He'd go like a shot! Now then, about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was nicked out of Robin's office at Broadcasting House. If Robin ever finds out who is gawping at the delectable and provocative, but never immodest, Miss Gish, when Robin should be gawping at her, the blighter won't need a calendar for next year, he'll be in hospital.

I'll get hold of him Ah, Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD), ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah temper, temper. At one time they used to change into the evening dress to read the news. But now you feel honoured if they turn up in a tatty sports jacket and their old gardening trousers.

Mr Boyle, announcer of this parish, kindly accept this saucy Lillian Gish calendar from us all - and belt up! This isn't saucy Lillian Gish. These pictures are of naughty Dorothy Gish, her sister.

Now look, get chatting. Well, todays the day Whitehall breathes a sigh of relief as the crew of H. Troutbridge are about to go on leave. In his cabin Lieutenant Murray is busy signing the leave passes and the railway warrants. Have been doing a mischief for the last time in the current series to. At least, it would be if we knew where H. Troutbridge had got to Not a broadcast episode.

There are hotlines from country to country, politically speaking, but one of the hottest lines at present is one belonging to British Railways. The one that didly-bom didly-boms it's way from Waterloo to Portsmouth. To the utter horror and terror of the guard and driver, this particular iron horse contains the whole ship's company of H. Troutbridge as they return from leave. Pertwee's case, as soon as the carriage wheels had revolved an inch and a half, he was hammering on the counter of the buffet car demanding alcoholic service as he was a bona-fide traveller.

A claim which he's still maintaining even though the train is now within a mile or so of Portsmouth Harbour Station. Have been searching for their ship in. Going abroad can be an enormous thrill, particularly if someone else is paying for your trip and all your living expenses. At least that's what it says on the recruiting posters. Course what it doesn't tell you is that you're going to have to work like stink until you get to where ever abroad is.

With a crew like Troutbridge of course, this doesn't really apply. However, it is rather vital that they know where in advance which bit of abroad it is that they're going to. Without fail the first one to know and get his the-moment-we-dock-I'll-be-showing-a-profit side-line, lined up - is Chief Petty Officer Pertwee. The ship's forth coming summer cruise is no exception. Have been float-a-peddling their way through.

After a hard day in the office there's nothing a man likes more than to talk over the interesting things that have happened at work once he gets home to his wife. A masculine desire which is doomed to failure in the case of Captain Povey. When he gets home he can never get a word in edge, or any other, ways. Never the less this doesn't stop him from trying, and tonight he's got something really interesting to tell his Ramona.

Have been gumming up the works of. Well, what does the word 'seal' mean to most of us? Apart from a bucket full of fish at the circus and playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on a lot of motor horns with an awful lot of clapping and seal noises Oh quiet! But err, the sort of seal I had in mind is all that red wax muck you find on the back of envelopes. In the Royal Navy the most ominous of these envelopes is the one that contains what's known as Sealed Orders, and there are orders of this variety on their way to Lieutenant Murray and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips as they wait in the anteroom to the Admiral's office at Portsmouth.

Have been buoying up. When the sailor returns home from the sea there's nothing he looks forward to more than a spot of shore leave, particularly when he's returned home from the sea four times in the last five days. And also when the bit of the sea he's returning from happens to be the roughest bit of the Irish channel. And it doesn't help when the ship is H. Troutbridge and a signal informs them that the whole object of them being at sea was utterly pointless. Have been charitably taking part in.

From time to time we all suffer from a dose of nostalgia. That's not the nasty stabbing pain in your hip, it's the art of remembering the good old days which were really sheer hell at the time. For instance, we men always remember the tear in our first girlfriend's eye when we have to tell her the romance that was to last a life time is over, but what we don't remember is the time she belted you with her handbag for over-snogging.

Lieutenant Murray of H. Troutbridge is no exception to this rule for even in the Royal Navy there's plenty of room for a great bath of I remember when. Have been drifting through. When you have a dodgy old reputation such as the crew of H. Troutbridge and find you've been invited to take part in top level talks with the Admiral Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD) know one of three things has happened.

Either someone's made a terrible mistake, or you've made an even bigger one by being around to receive the invitation, or worse still the subject matter of the talks is something flaming dangerous and your ship's company are the poor twits who are going to cop the job of doing it.

Pertwee are about to join in the talks in Captain Povey's office. Have been blowing themselves up in. The old adage that the path of true love never runs smooth was never more accurate than when related to the amorous activities of the crew of H. Not only does the path not run smooth, it's practically crazy paving. However, all seems to have gone well this evening as the rest of the members of the wardroom are being left to their own devices and are waiting to hear Number One's report on his evening out when he returns.

In the mean time the wardroom has become a den of gambling inequity. Have been buying tickets for. No matter what your occupation there's always the possibility that you you'll find a typewritten bomb on your desk when you get to the office in the morning. The Royal Navy is no exception to this rule but in some ways it's even worse because your typewritten bomb is on official paper and has rubber stamps on it, which demand immediate action or - you'll be scrubbing the decks, mate. Captain Povey is about to find that he has one of these explosive communications on his desk as he settles in his faded, imitation leather, plastic covered, badly sprung office chair this morning.

Have been suffering their customary indignities in. The morning after the night before is always extremely amusing to everyone who wasn't with you the night before. They weren't there so they can't know that in order to keep the party going it was absolutely essential for you to cheer everybody up by reciting 15 verses of Eskimo Nell. And in any case, somebody should have told you that the Vicar was there as well.

If they had you probably wouldn't have told that excruciatingly funny story about the three Bishops on a desert island, just before you were asked to leave, by the back door. Chief Petty Officer Pertwee this morning is very definitely the one after the night before, but apart from the usual humiliations he has one other panic. Why was everyone so insistent he should leave the ship and go to the party last night? What was going on aboard when he was out of the way?

In short, what happened that Pertwee is absolutely certain that he ought to know about? Have been brewing their way up through. One of the disadvantages of being a frigate in Her Majesty's Navy is that from time to time you cop the job of acting as a high-class floating hackney carriage.

If you don't see it coming your liable to get the job of transporting a V. For once H. Troutbridge didn't see it coming and they've collected the unenviable task of transporting one of the Prime Ministers advisors, Sir Willerby Todhunter-Brown, and his wife to France. However, to everyone's astonishment, including Sub-Lieutenant Phillips, the ship has actually arrived off the coast of France in time for the reception.

Not only in time, but at the right part of the coast as well. It only goes to show that, with Troutbridge, you just never know what will happen.

Have been blowing soot through. For Captain Povey there's no such thing as a good day or a bad day, they're all equally ghastly. Well this is inevitable as at sometime during every day he has to come in contact with the crew of H. Today is no exception, in fact it's started disastrously already. In his innocence Captain Povey is sure that this time C. Pertwee has no answer to the accusation that the previous evening, the Chief once again pinched the lead from the roof of the Admiral's office.

Well you'd think that by now he'd know C. Pertwee better. Have been undergoing the trials and tribulations of life in. It has been said that what you learning from listening at, or looking through keyholes, never does you any good.

A saying which my Father does not agree with at all. Well, he was a butler you see and he sent me to university on the proceeds of his radar ears and telescopic eyes. The crew of Troutbridge succumb to this temptation as quickly as anyone else, particularly when the office door happens to be Captain Povey's.

Have been doing their nuts for the last time in the current series of. Just about the most disastrous thing that can happen to any man is to wake up and find the day has started well. The wife's in a good mood, the papers he ordered have arrived, the sun's shining, the kettle for his first cup of tea boils in seconds and even the yolk of the egg for his breakfast doesn't split in half when the shell is cracked. Far too good to last and once he gets to the office the bubble is going to burst.

For Captain Povey as he settles in his imitation, plastic leather chair in his office at Portsmouth today is one of those days. Have been towing The Navy Lark back for a new series of programmes. There's only one thing worse than knowing what's going on, and that's not knowing when something obviously is, especially when you're utterly convinced that whatever it is that everybody is keeping to themselves, it concerns you.

Like that letter addressed to your wife in masculine handwriting you don't recognise which she giggles at all through breakfast and looks you straight in the eye, stops laughing and stuffs it in her handbag. Or, there's that unhappy moment in the office when your immediate superior is called in to the boss. After half an hour he comes out, pats you on the shoulder, goes back to his desk and never says another word.

For the rest of your career you'll never know whether he just talked you out of promotion or the sack. Pertwee is in this particular dilemma at the moment.

Something regrettable is going to drop on somebody, and the Chief is determined to know what, on who, where, why, who by and when. Have been fishing in the troubled waters of. If ever there's a moment in your life when you have cause to feel utter consternation and alarm, it is when you know some part of your personal property is going to be subjected to the evil eyed scrutiny of an expert.

One thing is certain, no matter what it is, it will be inspected and found wanting. Like the time you decide to sell your car. After three days of back breaking polishing and ingenious concealment of the major faults, the dealer arrives.

After a quick walk round he's spotted four clapped out parts which can't be replaced because they don't make spares for your model anymore, discovered all the faults you so cunningly covered up, poked his finger through the rust at the bottom of the door and finally promised not to report that your road tax licence is out of date on condition that you pay him a fiver to tow the disintegrating heap of rusty junk away. But, this soul-destroying experience is nothing compared with the utter misery of a ship's inspection in the Navy.

Particularly if your ship happens to be Troutbridge, and inspection is being carried out by The Admiral. Have been cleaning up. Have you noticed that always when you have a really important appointment something or somebody delays you?

It'll be the morning when your alarm clock goes off half an hour late, your clean socks, instead of being a pair, turn out to be one of each, the lock on the bathroom door jams, the butter won't spread because its straight out of the fridge so your knife skids off the toast and knocks your cup of coffee all over you. You now have to go back upstairs and change into the suit that everybody from your five-year-old daughter to your Boss says you should never have bought.

However, these little problems are nothing compared with the major one that Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is about to experience as he joins the Padre in the wardroom. Have been doing a disastricle to. Although most of us worry from time to time, there are people whose vivid imagination causes them to live in an almost permanent state of apprehension and alarm.

For them the chink of a milk bottle in the small hours is never a prowling cat, must be an incredibly clumsy burglar. The footsteps that follow them down their quite road are never those of a patrolling policeman, no, no, no they must belong to Jack the Ripper or Sam the Strangler, probably both.

The natural leader of this unhappy band of apprehensive brothers is Chief Petty Officer Pertwee. Anything he doesn't already know about or understand is a dead cert to be stuffed full of utter doom and disaster.

Have been deliberately abandoned in. These days our lives are beset by rules and regulations. But have you realised that who ever makes them never bothers to put up a notice telling us what we can do. He's much too busy putting up notices telling us what we can't do. Take the average man who goes out in his car. As he can't drive he decides to have a drink, mistake number two.

So, what's left? A quiet walk in the park? Ha, mistake number 3. Of course, the Navy has it's forbidden areas too, and never more so than one of Her Majesty's dock yards. As Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is about to discover as he lunges in all innocence at the bottom of the gangway to H.

Have been going caravaning in. The good neighbour policy is something we are all encouraged to pursue and it's an excellent idea. Provided that your good neighbour stays on his side of the fence. And even from there he can still strain your good intentions to breaking point.

For instance, why does he have to light a bonfire on the first fine Sunday afternoon? So that you are driven out of your own garden by the thick fog he's created by burning two tonnes of last year's compost, six motor tires and a plastic mackintosh. But it's when your neighbour ventures over your side of the fence that the trouble really starts.

And if it's an international neighbour, and an international fence, then it's wise to take every possible precaution if you want to avoid an international incident. At least that's what the Admiral has in mind when he goes to call on Captain Povey with his wretched Flag Lieutenant in customary tow. Have been having a bit of trouble with the French in.

It is the duty of each and every one of us, as upright and respected citizens, to render assistance to the police whenever we can. This doesn't mean one should dive into the middle of Piccadilly Circus at rush hour and attempt to direct the snarled-up traffic with the aid of one's umbrella, no, no. Nor is it helpful or even advisable to approach a constable on duty with a kindly offer to retune his whistle.

And driving at eighty miles an hour in front of a police car in order to clear a way for them can also have Of course, as private individuals our efforts to help the law are purely voluntary but for the armed forces a police request for assistance is a very different matter. The only voluntary thing about it is the smile on the Commanding Officer's face as he details You, You and You. Although he doesn't know it, Captain Povey is about to witness just such a smile when he too is detailed to volunteer to help the police by the Admiral.

Have been tangling with the law in. Whatever job you hold there's always that ghastly day when your employer tells you he's reviewed your past year's work and decided to send you on a training course. This means either that you've been marked down for promotion in the near future or you've made such a pig's breakfast of your job in the last twelve months, he's sending you on a course as a sort of last-ditch chance.

As an employer the Senior Service is no exception to this rule, but when the Royal Navy is represented by Captain Povey and the employee selected for the course is the First Lieutenant of H. Troutbridge Mr Murray, well the victim may as well resign his commission now and save time. Have been assaulting. Most of us do a certain amount of entertaining in our own home, usually we hope with success.

But have you noticed it's when you've specially prepared for that special guest that the trouble starts. It's always just as he knocks on the front door the electric bulb in the hall goes fut. Still you can laugh that off because you know you've taken the trouble to buy a bottle of his favourite whisky. And it's just as you're pouring him a large one he tells you he's gone off scotch and now only drinks gin.

Which you haven't got. And finally, it's bound to be this particular evening that your small daughter chooses to lock herself in that particular room, which he wants to use, and refuses to come out until she's been told a story through the keyhole. By him. And today preparations for the entertainment of a special guest are taking place in the wardroom of H.

Have been redecorating. Announcer: Ronald Fletcher Ladies and gentlemen, with a particular welcome to a delegation from our sister ship H. I imagine everyone cops a rocket from time to time but have you noticed the variety of ways that rockets can be delivered? For example, there's the friendly rocket launcher, he's the chap who spends the evening buying you drinks in your local, knowing full well he took three summonses out against you in the morning. Lieutenant Murray, the Number One of H.

Troutbridge, has the more oblique approach with his rockets. You never know it's on it's way until it hits you as C. Pertwee is about to find out when he's called into the wardroom. Have been celebrating their important anniversary in.

There's no doubt about it that in the future this particular period of civilisation will be remembered as The Scientific Age. Almost every week the backroom boys of industry invent some new gadget to advance progress and make our lives easier, they tell us. For instance, what housewife could ever be without that new, super electric sewing machine with the 46 attachments that can do everything a tailor can do in half the time? It comes with one compulsory extra, a qualified operator to work it.

And what about the latest mixing machine that chops as it grinds as it beats as it whisks as it completely annihilates everything you put into it? This is supplied with six spare sponges for wiping down the kitchen walls after use. Of course, the men are not forgotten, there's now a new electric razor with the ultra-modern rotating bandsaw action Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD) to shave the toughest beard, provided you're not over 12 years of age.

And naturally the Royal Navy is also subjected to a fair share of scientific aids to progress. Have been computerising.

Most people look forward to Friday because for many of us it's the end of the working week. It's the day we get paid, if the firm is still solvent, and as we hurry to catch the Five Thirty we know the train is taking us home to a weekend of rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, Friday is also the day that can finish your beautiful weekend before it even starts.

It's the day your wife suddenly develops a heavy cold and has to retire to bed leaving you with a straight 48 hours of cooking, scrubbing, cleaning and baby-sitting.

It's the day when a week of glorious sunshine comes to a dead halt and the monsoon season sets in. It's also the day when the boss gives you that folder to glance through at home if you have a minute. Which means you are going to be working like the clappers until well after midnight on Sunday.

Even in the Navy, Friday can be the day that heralds a distinctly dodgy weekend as Captain Povey is about to find out. Have been seeing red in. Whatever article you buy these days the only thing you can be utterly certain will last is the amount of trouble you're going to have with the blooming thing as soon as you get it home. Like the paint brush which is guaranteed pure bristle but the plastic handle melts when you put it in paint.

Or the second-hand van you buy which has only one previous owner, it's not until you got the log book you discover the one previous owner was the Royal Mail. Or that splendid pullover that's pre-shrunk and the first time it's washed it stretches until it could fit a man four times your size.

Aboard H. Troutbridge Chief Petty Officer Pertwee has a very real purchasing problem which is why he's remaining out of sight in his favourite hidey hole, the far corner of number two hold.

Have been bugging. There's an old adage which says neither a borrower nor a lender be, which is good advice for everybody - unless of course one happens to be a public librarian. Borrowing and lending is always fraught with problems. For instance, why does your neighbour always return the lawnmower you leant him at the very moment when you just convinced your wife you can't cut the grass after all because he's still got it?

And, and that suitcase you borrowed from your maiden aunt, why does she want it back just as you've finished packing? So that you have to go on your crafty weekend to Paris carrying your toothbrush and pyjamas in a paper carrier bag.

Probably with Clutterbuck for Fresh Fish written across the side of it. Sometimes the return of one's property can cause much embarrassment, especially when it's been gone so long you've forgotten about it.

Have been flying in the face of. There comes a morning in every man's life when he's awakened by a prolonged and spine-chilling high-pitched scream which has him out of bed and into his dressing gown before his befuddled wits finally identify it as the sound of the vacuum cleaner going full blast on the landing. Convinced he must have overslept he rapidly washes and dresses and hurries downstairs more Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD) than usual, physically because he trips over the dustpan and brush that's been left on the top step.

Picking himself up he limps into the kitchen only to fall flat on his dignity again the moment he puts his foot in the tin of floor polish that's been left on the lino. From this recumbent position he's able to stare up at the kitchen clock which mutely informs him it's still only half past six.

But it's when his wife then tells him that there's no breakfast because she's too busy cleaning that he finally realises what the panic is about. One of her lot is coming to visit. Well in Captain Povey's household he always knows the night before because he's the one who's made to do all the cleaning and polishing.

So, the following day all his wife Ramona has to do is to tidy up Captain Povey himself. Have been recruiting for.

Even if one has the ready cash available one of the most difficult things to buy is a four-penny stamp. On arrival at the post office you join the queue. After twenty minutes of doing a slow forward shuffle, and having your trousers gummed up by the half-sucked lollypop being wielded like a tennis racket by the small boy behind you, you arrive at the counter just in time to see the clerk put up the notice 'Position closed', and since it's now 5.

Then, you rush outside to the stamp machines, jam your four-pence into this one, lift the little flap and find you're now the proud owner of an strip of ha'penny stamps. And that's when you wish you'd used a bigger envelope. It also means you're going to cop seven extra licks of horrible fish glue. A flavour that even Able Seaman Johnson finds it very hard to develop a taste for.

Have been frustrating the spark of invention in. I suppose we all learn eventually that things aren't always what they seem to be. For instance, take that insignificant looking little twit in the minicar whose block you just threatened to knock off, and when he unwinds himself and gets out of the car you find he's six foot three and built like an all-in wrestler.

But even to an experienced Royal Naval Navigation Officer like Sub Lieutenant Phillips there are times when the unexpected can happen, and usually does. Have been doing some historical research in. Of all social engagements perhaps the one most fraught with difficulties is the invitation to dine out with friends. It starts the moment you enter a restaurant and discover your host and hostess have not arrived.

Four drinks and half an hour later you begin to wonder if they said eight o'clock on the ninth or nine o'clock on the eighth. Your wife checks her diary and discovers you've got the date and time right but you're in the wrong restaurant. Well when you finally arrive at the right one, you're now over an hour late and your host hasn't been able to hold the table any longer, and also, owing to a trade fair, all the other restaurants are fully booked so you all end up back at your place wearing full evening dress eating baked beans on toast.

Have been frying up in. No matter how well stocked your store cupboard may be, it invariably lets you down when you least expect it and always when the shops have just closed. For instance, you're quietly confident when those chaps from the rugger club suddenly arrive on your doorstep with a heck of a thirst because you know that you have a reserve stock of cans of beer.

What you don't know is that you've lost the little gadget to open them and attempting to open a can with a cork screw is the fastest way possible to give your hair a beer rinse and collect a suit that smells like a brewery. The Royal Navy never suffers from these inconveniences of course, if they require anything they simply ident for it, or as C.

Pertwee puts it - give main stores another bashing. For the last time in the current series I've no idea who it was who wrote absence makes the heart grow fonder but it certainly wasn't Captain Povey about the crew of H. For some months now, with Troutbridge at sea and well away from Portsmouth dockyard, life in Captain Povey's office has gone smoothly.

Except for the day he told a disreputable looking old gentleman cutting the hedge outside the Admiral's house to smarten himself up a bit if he wished to continue being employed. Unfortunately, the disreputable looking old gentleman was the Admiral in his gardening clothes. However, after abject apologies, polishing the Admirals gardening boots for half an hour and finally ending up having to cut the Admiral's hedge himself, Captain Povey managed to survive with his commission intact.

Whether it will still be intact after what is going to happen to him in his office today is another matter. If there's err one thing Captain Povey really enjoys it's getting to his office every morning, and if you ever met Mrs Povey you can understand his enthusiasm. For Old Thunderguts, Portsmouth dockyard isn't the place where he has to slave over a hot desk, it's sanctuary. However, this morning his desk is incredibly hot, at least the signal from the Ministry of Defence that's lying on it most certainly is.

Not that he will see it immediately because his secretary, WREN Chasen, opens all the mail and she knows a Top Brass whizzbang when she sees one. So it's at the bottom of the pile of codswallop the civil servants will insist on sending. Have been defending. There's a well known saying that travel broadens the mind.

In which case the British Navy must have within it's ranks a bunch of the broadest minded matlows afloat. They are of course the crew of H. Even on a simple journey from A to B they habitually call at the remaining 24 letters of the alphabet on route, and they still hold the proud record of 13 weeks, 27 ports of call, four refuelings at sea and six completely filled log books for the trip between Portsmouth and the Isle of White.

Of course, since then Sub Lieutenant Phillips, the navigating officer, has begun to get the hang of it and now having just managed to get to France and back he's feeling rather pleased with himself as the ship approaches Portsmouth. Have been dredging their way through. There are certain people who appear to go through life completely unaware of what is going on around them.

Needless to say, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee is not one of them. The Chief goes through life determined to find out what is going on, wherever it's going on, somehow. Life's little mysteries mean only one thing to Pertwee, someone is up to something Pertwee doesn't know about, but Pertwee intends to know about, so Pertwee can be reasonably sure that when the Big One drops, it won't fall on Pertwee, cause Pertwee knows which way to duck.

Have been instructing their new C. It's always when things are going smoothly and one is at peace with the world that some clot comes along to louse it up.

When you left the wife to go to the office in the morning the sun shone from your door knob, but by the time you put one tired tootsie on the garden path in the evening she's hoisted the draw bridge and is standing by to pour boiling oil over your bonce from the bathroom window.

How were you to know the idiot from the gas, electricity or water board was going to turn up in your absence with his spanner all of a quiver to cut off your supply? Just because you've forgotten to post the envelope with the cheque in it that she gave you a week ago. In any case, you're going to get a stamp for it first thing tomorrow. Well the lull before the storm is happening in Captain Povey's office at the moment, but the first crash of thunder is about to reverberate any minute now.

Have been visiting Broadstairs in. For most of us these days shopping is a matter of trying to work out which of the four-pence off special offers have only gone up six-pence since last week. Apart from the charm sized box only being half full anyway. The only thing we don't have to bother about is counting our change, because there isn't any. Sub-Lieutenant Phillips never has to bother about pound notes either.

After he's paid his wardroom account, he never has anything left anyway.

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9 thoughts on “Da Da Da (Radio Version) - Various - Pop Beats 5 (Series 2 Volume 5) (CD)

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